if i could talk to God.

Today I talked to someone I haven't talked to in 27 days. I wished him a happy Thanksgiving. I did not for a second think he was going to respond because we used to talk all the time and then it seemed as though he just dropped me like I was hot. or thats what i assumed. and i still kind of think. because it just doesnt make any sence to me. he texted me back wishing a

Happy Thanksgiving to you too BEAUTIFUL...MISS YOU TOO

I didn't know what to do I had never been so happy to see a text message in my inbox. Im pathetic. I then proceeded to text him back telling him that it is necessary we begin speaking again because i quote "miss talking to him everyday."he responded "sounds like a plan..." it was then that i took the advice of one of my best friends and followed the truth is the best policy rule and told this man who i am completely helpless to that i "simply can't handle not talking to you[him]..." he replied with some googly eyed-smiley face and that was it.

that was my interaction that made me cry, in the car, with my family, with less than 5 miniutes until our promt 1:30 arrival at mhy sister's house for thanksgiving dinner. one thing not a lot of people know about me is that i hate crying, in all reality i loathe it and everything it makes me feel. when i cry i feel weak, but i have learned that crying sometimes makes you feel a little better. the thing was these tears were nothing i have ever experienced before. they were not the somber tears of saddness i have been crying in his absence, but instead they were tears of joy that maybe he will realize what i have, that their is potential for us. as long as we work hard there is a possibility.

I hope....

I guess hope is something i can hold on to. but hope doesn't change the fact that i sleep alone at night. hope is npt something that will share late night conversations with me, hope doesn't appreciate the deliciousness of a breakfast of french toast sticks and coffee. hope does't say all the right things. hope doesn't make me feel like i am the only person in the entire world. even though hope is not what i want i will keep hoping that maybe someday i will have what i want.


i just had a conversation with a friend who feels like giving up on everything. i guess it was a bit unfair for me to ask her to help me and tell me the answers to all my petty questions when i should be the one answering hers and making her world feel a little bit better.

i asked her if having doubt of being hurt or fear that things will end is pathetic. she told me that i should not be afriad. she told me that life is about making the best out of what we are given. i remember telling her this a few weeks ago, but i refuse to settle for my own reasoning as to the meaning of life. i mean what if i don't want to settle for what I've been given? what if I want more?? why does it need to be me being alotted something and having to deal with it? why can't i just have mhy cake and eat it too???

she told me that if we were allowed to have our cake and get to enjoy the bounty of its deliciousness then life would be too easy.


i do not understand why everyone can't be happy. i generally look on the positive side of everything and i don't lie, well at least not to people I care about. I think the petty white lies I often tell like "Oh hey i love that ______ (insert name of hideous article of clothing here)" only helps makes other people feel better. what did i do to deserve this. why do i have to work so hard for things i want? i am a very kind person and i would consider myself an environmentalist, well to a certain extent, i recycle, i support local places before the huge corporate wet suits, i use canvas bags when i go to the market. what did i do to deserve this karma? i'm not sure. i mean i pray i go to church, i feel bad for my sins. i just don't get it.


I am majorly confused as to what the purpose of life is, nore importantly i am worried that i am not going to live to my full potential. i dont know what i want to do with my life. i often get upset about this topic and just decide to smoke a blunt and think about what i can do with myself, but that never leads to anything good except a wonderful nights sleep and the win percentage on my free cell to increase. i don't know i guess i should just move to Tibbet or India and live a life of meditation and abstenence. Or maybe Jamacia. who knows i just need to find the meaning of life.

the world we live in is so driven by money that i worry being a human services major. i mean i want to help people i truly do, but i don't want to suffer financially. is that wrong??


I was watching the news a few months ago and they showed, without warning of how graphic the footage was going to be, an old man being hit by a car and then tossed over the back of the car as the driver drove away, all the other cars continued on. There was one car that slowed down then swirved around this poor person's body. People on the sidewalks saw it happen yet the just continued on walking down the street to a destination that must have been majorly important because what could be more important than helping/calling 911 after seeing someone get hit by a fucking car?!?! i mean what the fuck has this world come to?!

i feel like there is no way to escape the terrors that has become this world. its wrong. chilren are supposed to be brought up thinking that the world is a beautiful place, but all they see is violence. why is that? who the fuck tought it was a good idea make cartoons that are mad violent.

i guess i am just a little angry at the world today. i realize its supposed to be Thanksgiving and I have a lot to be thankful for, but it just really made me think of all the things I don't understand.




and that is my major rant of the day.




respect.