fuck you lucy

I have always considered myself a responsible and independent person, however, I am beginning to question. I used to think everything happened for a reason, but who came up with that saying? Some sorry soul searching for love? Someone who thought that everything in life was real? That everything we experience makes us a better person in the long run. Bullshit. I wish I could see things that clear.

What happens to those who are constantly shit on by the cosmos? Do some people exist for no greater purpose? Or is their purpose to sit around idly waiting for the next load of shitty life experiences to come along? And what happens when the shit builds up so much that there is no room to breathe? No room to dig out?

I feel like I am at the bottom of a big sink hole and no one gave me a shovel.

I know I've done some wrong in my life, I've made decisions I regret, but I'm not sure why the current state of my being is so pathetic. I've tried to see what I am supposed to learn from this. How I am supposed to come above. Make something of myself. And don't get me wrong eventually I will be something, "bigger than guns and bigger than cigarettes," as Atmosphere would say, I know it. I hope at least...

In the meantime I guess I will just have to short through the shit that life keeps handing me and hope that sooner or later (sooner hopefully) I discover why the past few months happened; what I'm supposed to learn, how I can rise above. For right now, however, I need the hurt to stop. I want to feel happy again.