fuck you lucy

I have always considered myself a responsible and independent person, however, I am beginning to question. I used to think everything happened for a reason, but who came up with that saying? Some sorry soul searching for love? Someone who thought that everything in life was real? That everything we experience makes us a better person in the long run. Bullshit. I wish I could see things that clear.

What happens to those who are constantly shit on by the cosmos? Do some people exist for no greater purpose? Or is their purpose to sit around idly waiting for the next load of shitty life experiences to come along? And what happens when the shit builds up so much that there is no room to breathe? No room to dig out?

I feel like I am at the bottom of a big sink hole and no one gave me a shovel.

I know I've done some wrong in my life, I've made decisions I regret, but I'm not sure why the current state of my being is so pathetic. I've tried to see what I am supposed to learn from this. How I am supposed to come above. Make something of myself. And don't get me wrong eventually I will be something, "bigger than guns and bigger than cigarettes," as Atmosphere would say, I know it. I hope at least...

In the meantime I guess I will just have to short through the shit that life keeps handing me and hope that sooner or later (sooner hopefully) I discover why the past few months happened; what I'm supposed to learn, how I can rise above. For right now, however, I need the hurt to stop. I want to feel happy again.

sleep deprivation

So the other day I was outside with my roomie havin a ciggy when this girl who lives in my dorm came up to the house with a big bag of food from the Cambridge Commons. She is a vegetarian when she is at school and a vegan while she is at home. She started talking about how there are no burgers for vegans. There are cheese burgers for dairy lovers. Hamburgers for those who are strictly in it for the meat. And then there are veggie burgers. The thing about veggie burgers though is that they are held together by some sort of dairy product. Thus the life of a vegan sucks. They do not get to enjoy the fine quality of the American tradition, the burger.

What do they do at cook outs? What do they eat? I guess they have to resort to eating salad which even then they can barely eat any dressing because most dressings, well at least the average dressings more specifically the dressings that would be at a cookout (unless it was a vegan cookout in which case I’m sure there would be artichoke burgers or some shit they could enjoy thus the salad thing wouldn’t be an issue), contain dairy products. And everything else that is normally at a cookout ie. potato salad- which is out because of mayonnaise, pasta salad- usually made with dressing of some sort (which contains dairy products), and then just a bunch of other shit that would never be enough for a full meal that could fill up the average humans stomach. Therefore, I have concluded that vegans should be applauded, because like living life as a lefty veganism is a challenge. But i guess it is a choice they make when they decide not to eat meat. I just don't know how anyone could live with no bacon, life would be sub par without it.

She then began to tell us that she doesn't like salad. HOW IN THE FUCK ARE YOU A VEGETARIAN/SOMETIMES VEGAN IF YOU HATE SALADS!? More specifically lettuce, which is what she said she hates the most. I guess I am just very confused by this girl who looks like a little boy be tee dubbs.

When she was going to go inside she said I'm gong to leave you both with
one thought the immovable;e object and the unstoppable force.

I was mad irritated that she said that to me and then just went into the house to enjoy her vegetarian burger. Who says that kind of thing and then just leaves? It really got me to thinking and I have been thinking about it for a seriously long time now and it bothers me.

what would happen if the unstoppable force hit the immovable object?

I think the answer should be obvious. The unstoppable force would just travel around the immovable object BUT then I think the force is so powerful it show be able to move everything in its path right? wrong it can't move an immovable object. this is really irking me. I wish I could know the answer, but I really don't think there is one. Because how could you even do that hypothetically. Are there any objects that are immovable? What are some unstoppable forces?

that is all.

respect.

if i could talk to God.

Today I talked to someone I haven't talked to in 27 days. I wished him a happy Thanksgiving. I did not for a second think he was going to respond because we used to talk all the time and then it seemed as though he just dropped me like I was hot. or thats what i assumed. and i still kind of think. because it just doesnt make any sence to me. he texted me back wishing a

Happy Thanksgiving to you too BEAUTIFUL...MISS YOU TOO

I didn't know what to do I had never been so happy to see a text message in my inbox. Im pathetic. I then proceeded to text him back telling him that it is necessary we begin speaking again because i quote "miss talking to him everyday."he responded "sounds like a plan..." it was then that i took the advice of one of my best friends and followed the truth is the best policy rule and told this man who i am completely helpless to that i "simply can't handle not talking to you[him]..." he replied with some googly eyed-smiley face and that was it.

that was my interaction that made me cry, in the car, with my family, with less than 5 miniutes until our promt 1:30 arrival at mhy sister's house for thanksgiving dinner. one thing not a lot of people know about me is that i hate crying, in all reality i loathe it and everything it makes me feel. when i cry i feel weak, but i have learned that crying sometimes makes you feel a little better. the thing was these tears were nothing i have ever experienced before. they were not the somber tears of saddness i have been crying in his absence, but instead they were tears of joy that maybe he will realize what i have, that their is potential for us. as long as we work hard there is a possibility.

I hope....

I guess hope is something i can hold on to. but hope doesn't change the fact that i sleep alone at night. hope is npt something that will share late night conversations with me, hope doesn't appreciate the deliciousness of a breakfast of french toast sticks and coffee. hope does't say all the right things. hope doesn't make me feel like i am the only person in the entire world. even though hope is not what i want i will keep hoping that maybe someday i will have what i want.


i just had a conversation with a friend who feels like giving up on everything. i guess it was a bit unfair for me to ask her to help me and tell me the answers to all my petty questions when i should be the one answering hers and making her world feel a little bit better.

i asked her if having doubt of being hurt or fear that things will end is pathetic. she told me that i should not be afriad. she told me that life is about making the best out of what we are given. i remember telling her this a few weeks ago, but i refuse to settle for my own reasoning as to the meaning of life. i mean what if i don't want to settle for what I've been given? what if I want more?? why does it need to be me being alotted something and having to deal with it? why can't i just have mhy cake and eat it too???

she told me that if we were allowed to have our cake and get to enjoy the bounty of its deliciousness then life would be too easy.


i do not understand why everyone can't be happy. i generally look on the positive side of everything and i don't lie, well at least not to people I care about. I think the petty white lies I often tell like "Oh hey i love that ______ (insert name of hideous article of clothing here)" only helps makes other people feel better. what did i do to deserve this. why do i have to work so hard for things i want? i am a very kind person and i would consider myself an environmentalist, well to a certain extent, i recycle, i support local places before the huge corporate wet suits, i use canvas bags when i go to the market. what did i do to deserve this karma? i'm not sure. i mean i pray i go to church, i feel bad for my sins. i just don't get it.


I am majorly confused as to what the purpose of life is, nore importantly i am worried that i am not going to live to my full potential. i dont know what i want to do with my life. i often get upset about this topic and just decide to smoke a blunt and think about what i can do with myself, but that never leads to anything good except a wonderful nights sleep and the win percentage on my free cell to increase. i don't know i guess i should just move to Tibbet or India and live a life of meditation and abstenence. Or maybe Jamacia. who knows i just need to find the meaning of life.

the world we live in is so driven by money that i worry being a human services major. i mean i want to help people i truly do, but i don't want to suffer financially. is that wrong??


I was watching the news a few months ago and they showed, without warning of how graphic the footage was going to be, an old man being hit by a car and then tossed over the back of the car as the driver drove away, all the other cars continued on. There was one car that slowed down then swirved around this poor person's body. People on the sidewalks saw it happen yet the just continued on walking down the street to a destination that must have been majorly important because what could be more important than helping/calling 911 after seeing someone get hit by a fucking car?!?! i mean what the fuck has this world come to?!

i feel like there is no way to escape the terrors that has become this world. its wrong. chilren are supposed to be brought up thinking that the world is a beautiful place, but all they see is violence. why is that? who the fuck tought it was a good idea make cartoons that are mad violent.

i guess i am just a little angry at the world today. i realize its supposed to be Thanksgiving and I have a lot to be thankful for, but it just really made me think of all the things I don't understand.




and that is my major rant of the day.




respect.

one oh clock bowl.

I'm just a normal boy

That sank when I fell overboard

My ship would leave the country

But I'd rather swim ashore

Without a life vest I'd be stuck again

Wish I was much more masculine

Maybe then I could learn to swim

Like 'fourteen miles away'

Now floating up and down

I spin, colliding into sound

Like whales beneath me diving down

I'm sinking to the bottom of my

Everything that freaks me out

The lighthouse beam has just run out

I'm cold as cold as cold can be

I want to swim away but don't know how

Sometimes it feels just like

I'm falling in the ocean

Let the waves up take me down

Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah

Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down

Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguardI keep looking each direction

For a spotlight, give me somethingI need something for protection

Maybe flotsam junk will do just finethe jetsam sunk, I'm left behind

I'm treading for my life believe me(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to thinkI scream aloud, begin to sink

My legs and arms are broken down

With envy for the solid groundI'm reaching for the life within me

How can one man stop his ending

I thought of just your face

Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how

Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean

Let the waves up take me down

Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah

Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down

Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun

I calculate what I had done

Like jumping from the bow (yeah)

Just to prove I knew how (yeah)

It's midnight's late reminder of

The loss of her, the one I love

My will to quickly end it all

Set front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all

Into the ocean, end it all

Into the ocean, end it all into the ocean...end it all

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

I want to swim away but don't know how

Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean

Let the waves up take me down

Let the hurricane set in motion (yeah)

Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down

Let the rain come down

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)(In to space)

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)(I thought of just your face)

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

this song if seriously under-rated.

Nas has a naked tattoo of Kelis.

i feel like nas would cradle kelis to sleep at night; its like they would go to bed and he would say goodnight kelisss.

I bed their bedspread is zebra...real zebra....furry shiat.

sittin on top of the world

at internship today i kicked ass at a bunch of childrens games and i am feeling very good about...i'm a loser.


Also let us talk about Proposition 8 and if it goes through what will happen to all of the GLBT couples who were married in California between right now and May? Why do people think it is ok to not give people the rights they deserve as human beings, then finally give it to them, let them taste it for a few months, and then rip those rights away from them?! I am very irritated with this.

Steph is coming down tomorrow and I am very very excited.

This might just be the shortest blog and one of the more random ones (oh who am i kidding they are always mad random) but i am done and have nothing else to say right now.




respect

freak in the morning.

First i would just like to say that i love the song the business by young berg. shit is more dynamite than napoleon.

OK now that i got that out of the way. last night some crazy shit went down. i was straight zooted trying to type my blog. so i apologize more than one republic for that one.

i love instrumentals. i don't understand why everyone doesn't listen to them. i mean what can be better than hearing delicious melodies through your ear buds. BUT even though i am so obsessed with instrumentals i love listening to real music too. i mean i love the things they say but i am sick of this dumb shit thats been coming out lately. i mean what happened when people used to tell stories through their words? i miss that good stuff that used to be out. another thing i am missing in music is some nice songs about life to the beat of a drum. at the same time i am diggin a lot of the beats i have been hearing lately. i love the bass that seems to be taking control of every track to hit the main stream.

Ok so the other day i was sitting in my room chillin with some of my housemates and we sat out on the porch for a while doin what we do smokin what we smoke and when we came back in my room we played with the magnets on the fridge. after consuming way more food than any one person should eat in a day we started making phrases with the magnetic poetry kit. when i woke up the next day i didn't really remember putting them up there and i really think i want to share all the sayings we came up with. some of them are mad lame but quite a few are quality. so here is the list:

-he wants to leave his inflatable girlfriend
-i'll bet you a few fries
-your eyeballs wanted special time i'll leave
-come and never pronounce your mind's initial misconceptions
since your out of myself you're serving them spinning
-your breath would have a personality for your disorder
-how about you humiliate yourself
-i have speed?
-you're good just i'm not
-you have the laser printer?
-get along with a nice window.
-you and your moron again
-you missed this chaos where did your problem bump
-this way for never
-you're being dead
-forget your IQ your in public dork
-will you change circuses called whatever young does must you freaks?
-i have the gene pool.
-rise to face not enough when you drink
-i'm trying to imagine
-i found stupid people looking for the anal probe on my chest.
-be your back
-going happy!
-to your marinate!!
-are you into dwarfs short of the hamster??
-do i get your thoughts right
-try to set aside nothing
-be nicer
-remind me about work
-i set panic on stun
-yes, right there.
-go home insignificant
-i got off the train of thought, its full.
-the squirrels always cherish an asshole and i respect what is done (this one was my personal fave to create, because every time i see it i die laughing)

after one on the most terribly flowing blogs ever to be related i think i shall end it because it is time to start this night.


respect.